Mindfully Stylish 🌷

The best question I have ever been asked in a job interview is: “What gets you out of bed in the morning?” The interview was for an admin assistant role in a church in Shadwell, East London, and my life would have been very different if I’d got the job ~ one of those ‘the road less travelled’ moments. But the question floored me ~ because if I had to be honest about what actually got me out of bed in the morning, it would have been the promise of a cigarette, a cup of coffee or my partner yelling at me to get up. I had no idea what actually made me tick. I was 29. So I mumbled something about prayer and writing on my blog and left it at that. But I have never stopped thinking about that question.

Fast forward to 2024 and I am 33, living in Leeds, sans partner, and I think I might finally have an answer. Yesterday, the voice inside me shifted. It went from hypercritical and cripplingly depressed to warm, loving and compassionate. It was the biggest shift I have felt towards myself in almost a decade. And I will tell you why ~ it was because I asked myself a very simple question: “What would you do if your very best friend in all the world was feeling like this, was talking to themselves like this? Would you turn away? Would you add to the insults and sadness? Would you approach them with anything other than love, empathy and kindness?” And, finally, the answer was ‘no’. Six years ago, I started psychotherapy. I couldn’t bear to see other people in pain but, most of all, I couldn’t bear the pain I was feeling in myself. And I see now what my therapist was trying to show me all along ~ that I deserve the love, kindness and holding that I would so freely and willingly give to others. That I deserve the same nurturing relationship with myself that I would provide for them. That friendship with ourselves can be the most fulfilling, powerful friendship in the world.

As I sat in the car beside my mum, I began to ask myself what I actually needed ~ from me. I realised that if a friend was going through this, I would reassure them that I would never leave their side. I would tell them I would share their bed. And I would tell them, through their tears as we cuddled, to sync themselves with my breathing and to listen to the rain falling outside. I would tell them it was going to be okay. That there was nothing they could say or do that would make me leave. That I would do the cooking, that I would do the cleaning and ~ most of all ~ that I would do the holding.

And so I come to what got me out of bed this morning. My alarm was going off but I was still so tired, having not slept properly for a few days. I felt the old urge to tell myself how lazy and stupid I was, how disappointed and judgemental people would be if I slept in. And then I remembered. “Come on, darling,” I felt the voice come through gently. “We’re going to get you a cup of coffee, we’re going to have a good, healthy breakfast and then we’re going to do something nice for ourselves today.”

And it worked. I felt better. I wanted to get up. I got dressed in comfy, snuggly clothes, I made myself breakfast and a vanilla coffee and, although I cried into my oats and maple syrup, I had a think about what would make me feel better right then ~ what would I recommend to a friend to start their day? Anything that brought them joy, anything that made them feel comforted. For so long, I didn’t know what this was. But this morning, I pulled out my phone and opened up the Kindle app, selecting the only title in my library that I committed to buying ~ Almost Everything: Notes on Hope by Anne Lamott. This morning, it brought me the light I needed. I read a chapter, got dressed properly, had a mackerel and rocket sandwich, took all my meds and vitamins, went for a walk along the canal and now I’m writing on here. There is hope.

And this is why grief is linked to growth. If I hadn’t given up the version that was hell-bent on hurting me, if I hadn’t grieved ~ for years and years ~ the parts of me that were hurt and buried, there is a whole chapter I would never have known ~ a girl pleasantly surprised at her ability to take care of herself, to love herself and the desire to be her own best friend. Growth is an opportunity for the alchemization of pain. There are no flowers without rain.

So expect to see a lot more writing about the books that have held me and helped me on this blog. I’d like to write reviews of them so that other people can enjoy them too. Perhaps giving them a read if you are struggling, or just need a little lightness, is something you would like to do.

In Love&Light,

FS XOX